


Cold Blooded Killer

by AlineLovelace



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: I hope you guys enjoy this!, M/M, Posted in two parts because of a POV switch, third person pov tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 08:07:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29381799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlineLovelace/pseuds/AlineLovelace
Summary: Alexis overhears an alarming phone call.
Relationships: Alexis Rose & David Rose, Patrick Brewer/David Rose, Stevie Budd & David Rose
Comments: 34
Kudos: 95





	1. Alexis Rose

Alexis flounced into Rose Apothecary, one of her business cards clutched in her hand. "Hello?"

Jazz music played softly in the completely empty store. Pocketing one of the lip balms, she continued further into the store, peering into the back room. Empty boxes littered the floor, tipped onto their sides. Wrinkling up her nose, Alexis headed back into the store. She knew David was picking up inventory from locals, but she had no idea how badly he'd procrastinated it. Leaning over the counter, she tried to peek into the break room. Over the sound of elevator-type piano music, she could hear someone talking in the back. She stepped around the counter, gently pushing aside the curtain separating the break room from the store. Patrick paced the floor, cellphone pressed to his ear. "Yes, I know," he murmured into the phone, frowning.

Alexis leaned against the door frame, waiting for him to finish his call. "You don't think I hate him too? He's always there, and he never leaves! And he always makes me feel so guilty," he snapped into his phone. He paused, listening to the other person's reply. "Why do I have to do something about it?"

Running a hand through his hair, his pacing sped up. "Yes, I'm bothered by him. Yes, I see him the most often. What does that have to do with it?"

He stopped pacing, and his shoulders slumped. "He trusts me. You want me to lull him into a sense of false security and just-"

Patrick sat down at a small table to the far right of the break room. "Yes, I want him gone." A long pause. "Isn't there a more humane way?"

He paused briefly before shaking his head and sighing. "No, no. I have a shotgun; I'll take care of him. You have to help get rid of the body though." A short pause. "Tonight? I, uh, I guess I can do that tonight."

Alexis's phone vibrated in her pocket and she flinched, rustling the curtain. Patrick turned around. “Bye,” he said quickly into his phone, hanging up. “Alexis, what are you doing here?"

She slowly backed up. "Uh, nothing."

"What do you got in your hand?"

Glancing at her hand, she remembered why she stopped by the store in the first place. "Oh, my business card. David wouldn't consider using me for public relations so I thought you'd be more reasonable." 

Patrick stood, and strode toward her smiling. "Sure, I'll try to convince him tonight during dinner."

Alexis's eyes widened as she put two and two together. Tonight, David, shotgun. She backed into the edge of the checkout counter, unsettled by his deceiving smile. "Speaking of David, how are you two doing?"

"Good. We were going to head to  Elmdale Theater next week, but we canceled that last minute.”

She laughed nervously. "Why would you cancel that? It sounds like, so fun!”

“David can’t make it.”

She tossed her card at him before slowly backing toward the door. “Well, this was totes fun. I’m going to go... make a few calls.”

“Bye, Alexis. It’s always nice to see you.”

She waved over her shoulder as she dashed out the door and down the street. Her hands shook as she dialed her brother’s number. “What?” he answered crossly.

“David, can you stop by the motel lobby on your way back?”

“Um, no.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to?”

“It’s really important!” She stamped her foot on the sidewalk.

“Is it though?”

“It’s about you.”

David was silent for a moment. “Fine, but you only have a minute. And next time, lead with the me part.”

Rolling her eyes, she hung up and started walking. She wished Ted had more flexible hours so he could drive her to the motel. She had already walked all the way to Rose Apothecary, and now she had to turn around and go back home to warn her brother about his murderous boyfriend. Usually in the mornings, she’d stop by the cafe, order a smoothie, and chat with Twyla.  _ David better be grateful for this _ , Alexis thought as she headed to the motel. 

*********************************

Alexis’s heels hit the sidewalk pavement as David pulled up in the car, sending gravel dust everywhere. Coughing, she redirected her path toward her brother. As soon as he stepped out of the car, she grabbed his arm, dragging him into the motel office. “What the hell?” he protested.

Stevie glanced up from the computer. “Is there something I can help you guys with?”

“Someone wants to kill David,” Alexis blurted.

Both David and Stevie stared at her in shock. “Um, what?” David asked. “How do you know someone wants to kill me?”

“I overheard someone talking on the phone-“

“And they said they wanted to kill David?” Stevie remarked. “They explicitly said they wanted to kill David Rose? The one who lives in Schitt’s Creek?”

Alexis frowned. “No, but you could tell.”

“Where did you hear this?” He crossed his arms.

“Rose Apothecary.”

“What were you doing in my store without my permission?”

“I think what David means is, who said they want to murder him?” Stevie interjected.

“I overheard Patrick on the phone, and he-“

David scrunched up his nose. “So you’re telling me that my boyfriend wants to kill me?”

“Yes!”

“Wow, that’s a new low for you, Alexis. I’m sorry things aren’t going well between you and Ted, but that doesn’t mean you should sabotage my relationship.”

“Ew, David. Ted and I are actually really good, so...”

Stevie cleared her throat. “What makes you think Patrick wants to kill him?”

“Well, she’s just going to lie about it so what’s the point in asking?”

Alexis gasped. “I am not lying!”

David pulled out his phone. “I’m downloading a lie detector app. Stevie, you’re asking the questions while I watch the app.”

“We’re trusting a free phone app for this?” Stevie asked.

“Yes.”

“I think that plan may have a few flaws in it.”

“Shut up.”

Thirty seconds later, Alexis sat on the couch, David in the armchair beside her. “Okay, so from the crime shows I’ve seen, you have to ask base questions first,” David informed Stevie.

“I know. I’ve seen TV before too.” She cleared her throat. “What’s your name?”

“Alexis Claire Rose.”

“And where do you live?”

“Schitt’s Creek.”

“What’s the motel named?”

“Rosebud motel.” Alexis rolled her eyes. “I came up with the name, duh?”

David flashed Stevie a thumbs up. “How did you happen to overhear Patrick on the phone?”

“I was in Rose Apothecary because I wanted to give Patrick my business card,” Alexis answered. “No one was at the register, and I heard someone talking in the break room.”

“You went into the break room? It’s employees only,” David huffed.

“Whatever.” Alexis rolled her eyes. “I pushed the little curtain thing to the side and stood in the doorway.”

“And what was Patrick doing?” Stevie asked.

“Poor thing looked really stressed. He was pacing the room, talking to someone on his cellphone.”

“And what made you think he was talking about killing David?”

Alexis twirled her hair around a finger. “Well, he said stuff like ‘he never leaves’ and ‘he trusts me’.”

David scoffed. “Okay, that is not true. About the never leaving part. Patrick and I have boundaries.”

Stevie raised an eyebrow. “Do you?”

“And he said that he had a shotgun, and he would take care of it tonight,” Alexis continued.

“Tonight? I’m going out with him tonight. Are you sure you heard him right?”

“Oh my god, yes. That’s why I called you as soon as I got out of there. Even though you’re annoying and I could use the extra room space, I thought you deserved to know that your boyfriend wants you dead.”

“Okay, so Patrick is going to kill me tonight. He can’t break up with me like a normal person?”

Stevie feign-winced. “Now the ‘he trusts me’ part isn’t true either.”

“Whoever Patrick was talking to said there was no other way,” Alexis added. “It was probably his new boyfriend or something. He doesn’t want the ex crawling back into the picture or whatever.”

“I have to drop off like a dozen boxes of product. What if he decides to kill me before tonight?” David asked, panic seeping into his voice.

“No, he seemed pretty set on tonight,” she reassured him.

“Wear your leather sweater. Maybe it’ll slow the bullet down a little,” Stevie suggested.

“This isn’t funny!” he fumed. “The only person I’ve ever really loved is murdering me tonight! And now I have to go to the store and pretend I don’t know he wants to kill me.”

“Good luck.”

Alexis stuck out her lower lip. “You were a good big brother.”

“God, stop acting like I’m dying!”

“But you are?” She wrapped him in a tight side hug. “What do you want me to tell Mom and Dad? Any last words?”

“No.” He shoved her off. “Because I’m going to pretend everything is fine and then cancel the date last second and hide somewhere.”

“Good luck,” Stevie repeated.

David headed for the door. As he opened it, he turned back to look at Stevie and Alexis. “You two are the worst.”


	2. David Rose

David pulled the car up behind the store. Usually, he would text Patrick asking for help hauling in the boxes. Despite Patrick’s plans to murder him, he didn’t want to carry all of the product in by himself. There were a ton of boxes, several of them heavy, since he had waited last minute to pick everything up. He stared at his phone screen, thumb hovering over the messages app. As he pressed it, someone tapped on the car window. David flinched, nearly dropping his phone. Slowly, he turned to see who it was. When he saw Patrick peering in at him, he recoiled again. “Are you okay?” Patrick asked. “You’ve been sitting in the car for a long time.”

David rolled down the window a sliver. “I’m fine.”

“Then why aren’t you getting out of the car?”

“Because I’m tired from picking up product. I needed a minute to destress.” 

“But you’re good now?”

“Yes,” he replied, opening the door. He turned to step out of the car, but the seatbelt yanked him backward.

Patrick frowned, eyebrows wrinkling together. “David, are you sure you’re feeling okay? If you need to take the rest of the day off-“

David unbuckled himself, successfully stepping out of the car. “I’m fine, just a little distracted.”

Patrick kissed him before placing his hands on his boyfriend’s shoulders. “I’ll take care of the boxes, you head inside.”

David gazed into Patrick’s eyes, forgetting the other man’s murder plans for a moment. Patrick pressed another kiss to David’s lips. “I can’t wait for tonight. I love you.”

David forced a smile across his face, his harsh reality shattering the sweet moment. “Right, who isn’t excited for tonight?” Taking a step toward the store, he gestured toward it. “No one is inside right now, so I’m just going to...”

“Yeah, it’d probably be good if the store had an employee in it.”

David laughed tersely before quickly heading inside.

**************************************

David checked his phone for what felt like the billionth time. 1:30 pm and no texts or calls from Patrick. He’d either dropped off the face of the earth or had no desire to text his boyfriend. David debated  sending him a text, to check on him, see where he was. Since he was the only employee in the store, he couldn’t take his lunch break until Patrick showed to take his spot. 

David eyed the cheese in the refrigerator. If Patrick didn’t show up soon, he’d start eating the merchandise. Staring through the front window, he watched as people entered the cafe. He desperately wished he was one of those lucky people. 

Fifteen more minutes passed, and David decided he’d text Patrick. He would starve to death if he didn’t. As he moved his thumb to hit ‘send’, the door swung open, a small bell announcing someone’s arrival. Patrick walked through the door, empty-handed. “Where were you?” David asked. “I wanted to get lunch an hour ago.”

“I had some personal errands to run, sorry.” He pressed a kiss to David’s cheek. “I shouldn’t’ve left without telling you.”

David crossed his arms. “Yeah, you shouldn’t’ve.”

“How long was I gone?”

“Two hours.”

Patrick sucked his teeth. “I thought it would take an hour, max. Time just got away from me.”

“Since you’re here now, I’m heading to the cafe. Because I’m starving.”

“Grab me a BLT. And I’m sorry, David.”

“You should be.”

“Let’s continue this conversation after you get some food in you,” Patrick suggested. He knew David could be temperamental if he hadn’t eaten in a few hours. “Don’t forget my BLT.”

“I won’t forget your BLT, like how you forgot to tell me you would be gone for two hours.”

“Very funny.”

“I know.”

And with that, David left the store, making a beeline to Cafe Tropical. 

Halfway across the street, his phone rang. Awkwardly sprinting to the other side, he answered as soon as his feet hit the sidewalk. “Hi.”

“How’re you holding up?” Stevie asked.

“Fine, thank you for asking.”

“Patrick called me an hour ago,” she continued conversationally. “He asked if he could borrow my shotgun. Apparently, he left his at his parents’ house in storage.”

“Oh my god, what did you say?”

“I told him he could borrow it. He actually just swung by my place to pick it up.”

That explained why Patrick had been gone so long. 

“What the hell?! Do you want my boyfriend to murder me?”

“Oh, your dad just walked in, I have to hang up now.”

“Stevie, answer my question!”

Before he could get an answer, the call ended. “Fuck.”

He stormed into the cafe, flopping into a booth. Twyla, attentive as always, hurried over to his table. “What can I get you?”

“Three BLTs, one to go, fries, and fruit salad,” he ordered.

“Coming right up!” she said cheerily, before heading back behind the counter.

David watched as Twyla chatted with a couple sitting at the counter, wearing a bright smile the entire time. He envied her. She didn’t have to worry about her boyfriend murdering her; although he wasn’t sure she even had a boyfriend to murder her in the first place.

Growing bitter, he directed his attention toward his phone. ‘Stevie is letting Patrick borrow her gun,’ he texted Alexis.

Three little bubbles popped up at the bottom of his screen. Apparently, she had nothing better to do on a Tuesday afternoon than scroll through social media. ‘OMG what? He didn’t even have his own gun?’

‘At least it’s registered to Stevie so she’ll go to prison as an accomplice.’

‘Don’t worry, when you’re gone, I’ll make sure they both go to prison. I’ll get justice for you.’

‘Gee thanks.’

Rolling his eyes, he set his phone face down on the table. Realizing he had nothing better to do while waiting for his food, he picked it back up. 

Since moving to Schitt’s Creek, his family had withdrawn from social media. Well, Alexis was really the only one on social media. David had a personal account and an account to promote his art galleries. He ended up deleting Twitter and Instagram from his phone; all he saw were posts of his “friends” wearing expensive clothes, partying, and traveling. Alexis stayed connected but rarely posted. After she and Ted got back together, she had started posting regularly again. She had a supply of selfies saved up, a large chunk of them from the vet clinic when she used to work there. Every once and while to mix it up, she’d throw in a selfie of her and Ted, her captions bragging about her sweet doctor boyfriend. 

Bored and on death’s doorstep, David  redownloaded Instagram. He wanted to see how the people from his old life were doing, and possibly find Stevie’s or Patrick’s account. Logging in, he cringed when he saw his profile picture. He wasn’t about to die with an ugly profile picture. As he scrolled through his limited camera roll, he debated if he should include people besides himself in his profile picture. Eventually, he found a candid photo Alexis took of him and Patrick gazing at each other, his arms draped around Patrick’s shoulders. It was the only photo of himself he didn’t completely hate. 

Moving on, he posted a series of subtle goodbye pictures. He decided on a picture of Rose Apothecary, a selfie of him and Stevie at The Wobbly Elm two years ago, a Christmas picture of his family from when his dad decided to throw a last-minute party, and finally, his profile picture. ‘My life has had its ups and downs. After losing everything, my family had to move to Schitt’s Creek. I hated everything about it. That was before I met my best friend, Stevie, who has a higher IQ than the entire town combined. And with hard work, I opened my own store. While opening my store, I met the love of my life. It’s disappointing to close this chapter of my life. Appreciate life. You never know when it’ll be ripped out of your hands,’ he captioned it.

Hitting ‘post’, he checked his follower count. It had decreased since he had gone offline. Around five people followed him, though he had a private account and was very selective. Four hadn’t posted in months. One was a pity follow from Alexis. He changed his account from private to public, since people would want to mourn him and his last touching post.

He still followed his “friends”, so he tapped the feed button to catch up on everything he missed. Instagram refreshed, bringing up recent pictures. The first photo was of Alexis. She wore all black and an exaggerated frown on her face. ‘Picking out my funeral outfit :( ,’ she had captioned it.

Underneath, he could see that Patrick had commented, ‘I’m sorry for your loss. Who passed?’

She hadn’t replied yet.

He tapped on Patrick’s account which ended up being private. His profile picture was of him and David outside of Rose Apothecary on opening day. Additionally, he had their anniversary date in his bio. His account- or what David could see of it- seemed like he loved his boyfriend. Apparently, he was a really good actor. 

David couldn’t even find Stevie’s account.

“Here’re your fries, fruit salad, two BLTs for here, and one to go,” Twyla announced, setting the food on the table. 

“Thanks,” David said, setting his phone down.

“Enjoy.”

As he ate, he wondered if this would be his last meal. He hoped Patrick would at least have the decency to feed him before murdering him.

**************************************

The rest of the day flew by, purely to spite David. This was his last day on earth, so why should he have time to enjoy it? 

He glanced up at the clock. Five minutes until closing time. As soon as they locked up, they were headed straight to a fancy restaurant in  Elmdale . Would Patrick kill him before or after they had dinner?

He watched as his boyfriend restocked the hand lotions. Patrick didn’t seem like a killer, but then again, Ted  Bundy didn’t either. “I can’t go out tonight,” David announced, inching toward the door. His partner was perfectly capable of closing the store by himself, so he had no need to stick around. 

Patrick turned around, and David casually leaned against the edge of the front counter. “Why not?”

David frowned. He probably should’ve thought of something; he did have all day. “Uh, my family has a thing.”

Not his strongest excuse. Luckily, Patrick bought it. He crossed the room and rubbed David’s upper arm. “But I have something really special planned tonight. Are you sure you can’t cancel on your family?”

“Oh, I bet you do,” David replied, laughing nervously. “And I shouldn’t. I’ve canceled on them too many times already.”

“I know you should go be with your family, but this particular date means a lot to me, David. You know I wouldn’t ask otherwise.”

“It can’t wait until another day?”

“It could, but I’m really excited about it.”

Staring into Patrick’s eyes, David’s brain shut down. “I’ll make my family reschedule,” he found himself saying. “I can’t wait to see this surprise.”

The next thing he knew, David was sitting in the passenger seat of Patrick’s car. Patrick seemed in a particularly good mood, humming along to the radio. The station was ‘Top Hits of Today’. Usually, David would change the station or plug his phone in the aux cord. Tonight, he didn’t have the energy. Being incredibly stressed all day wore him out. And being stressed made him hungry. Even though they were headed to a restaurant, he couldn’t wait until they got there and ordered to eat. Remembering that he left a bag of donuts in the back of Patrick’s car a week ago, he craned his neck to look for them. Instead of tiny powdered donuts, he found something less sweet. In plain sight, a shotgun- Stevie’s shotgun- laid across the backseats. Patrick hadn’t even bothered covering it with a blanket. “So um, what is that back there? Laying across the seats?”

“A shotgun,” Patrick answered, his eyes never leaving the road.

“And, uh, what do you need a shotgun for?”

Patrick shook his head. “You don’t wanna know, trust me.”

David’s heart hammered against his ribcage. Patrick really was going to kill him tonight. A thousand thoughts raced through his mind. He hadn’t said anything to his parents, no last words. The last thing he texted Alexis was a sarcastic “gee thanks”. He hadn’t said “I love you” to any of them in at least a week. His unfinished business filled his thoughts; he was young, he still had so much to do.

“David,” Patrick said, snapping David out of his thoughts. “We’re at the restaurant.”

“Wow, that was fast.”

Stepping out of the car, David’s legs buckled beneath him. The sooner they got into the restaurant, the closer he inched to his death. So disoriented, he barely noticed Patrick wrap an arm around him, helping him inside. 

The restaurant had an intimate atmosphere, with dimmed lights and candles on tables. Cream-colored linen cloths adorned the tables, contrasting perfectly with the dark walls. If he wasn’t so concerned about his impending death, David would’ve gushed about how Patrick finally found a romantic enough restaurant.

“Reservation for Brewer,” Patrick told the hostess.

“Right this way,” she said, leading them out of the waiting area. Her blonde ponytail swished back and forth as she strode to their table, located in a corner. “I’ll be right back with your complementary breadsticks,” she informed them before heading to the kitchen. 

After sitting David down, Patrick took the seat across from him. “David, are you okay?”

“Hm?”

“Are you okay?” he repeated. “You’ve been acting weirder than usual all day.”

“I know what the surprise is,” David blurted.

“Oh.” 

“And I don’t want it.”

Hurt washed over Patrick’s face. “Oh.”

“You actually think I wanted that? That’s possibly the worst surprise ever.”

“I knew it was cheesy but-“

“I think we have different definitions of cheesy.”

Patrick cleared his throat. “I need some fresh air.” He stood before reaching into his pocket and tossing a box onto the table. “You can return it or whatever.”

As David studied the small cardboard gift box adorned with a silver ribbon, Patrick walked out of the restaurant, head down. When David glanced up, his boyfriend was long gone. Tugging the ribbon, he opened the box. A folded piece of stationery from the store laid on top. Unfolding it, David’s heart sank. ‘David,’ the paper read. ‘While I was shopping for your birthday present, I found this. I know it’s cheesy but you make me want to do cheesy things. I love you. -Patrick.’

Setting the note on the table, David peered into the box. His breath hitched in his throat as he pulled out a red velvet box. Opening it, tears pricked the corners of his eyes. Inside were two rings. Both were titanium silver, and each had half a heart engraved on it. 

Instead of murder, his incredibly thoughtful boyfriend’s surprise was matching promise rings. Mentally, he kicked himself. How could he be so stupid? Patrick would never kill him; he’d always been faithful, sweet, and honest. 

David’s heart ached as he remembered the look on Patrick’s face before he left. Patrick had obviously been excited but a little anxious about the gift, and David immediately crushed his boyfriend’s remaining confidence. 

Setting the note back in the cardboard box, he grabbed the velvet one and headed outside. “Sir, are you done with your table?” the hostess asked as he walked past.

“No, so can you bring your best wine over? Thanks.” David continued past her, stepping into the cold evening air. “Patrick!”

“David,” Patrick replied, leaning against the side of the building.

David strode over, pressing his lips to Patrick’s. “I love the rings. They’re perfect.”

Patrick shook his head. “I thought you didn’t want them. In fact, you made it very clear you didn’t want them.”

“Okay, so I didn’t actually know what you were talking about.” He cupped Patrick’s face. “You’re the best boyfriend ever.”

“Wait, what did you think the surprise was?”

David grimaced. “I ordered wine, so after a few glasses I’ll tell you.”

“Is it really that bad?”

“Yes, yes it is,” David said, steering the other man back inside the restaurant.

After sitting down and ordering, David nodded toward the glass of wine sitting in front of Patrick. Patrick took a sip, before turning his full attention to his boyfriend. “So, what did you think I was going to give you?”

“It’s a really funny story.” David drained his glass. “Super funny.”

“Then I can’t wait to hear it.”

“Okay, so this morning, Alexis was eavesdropping on you, and she heard you talking about killing someone with your shotgun. She immediately assumed it was me, and-“

Patrick held up his pointer finger, laughing in disbelief. “Alexis told you I was going to shoot you? Where did she get that?”

“I wasn’t there, so I don’t know what was going on in her deluded little brain.”

“I mean, I said ‘I hate him’, ‘I’m bothered by him’, and ‘I want him gone’. I don’t know how she decided I was going to kill you.”

“Well, she failed to mention some important tidbits, like the ‘I hate him’ part.”

“You really thought that I wanted to kill you?” Patrick asked incredulously.

“No! But then you asked Stevie for her gun tonight. The same tonight as our date.”

“And she didn’t tell you why I wanted to borrow her shotgun?”

“Um, no.”

“Wow, she really lives for drama.”

“Yes, she does. So why do you need her shotgun?”

“How do you know I’m not trying to trick you? Maybe the shotgun is for you, David,” Patrick joked. “I’m just waiting until you let your guard down.”

David crossed his arms, frowning. “Ha ha, very funny. But seriously, why do you have the shotgun?”

“There was this thin raccoon that hung around Ray’s house, and I felt bad for it so I started feeding it scraps every day,” Patrick explained. “Apparently, the now obese raccoon has rabies, according to Ray. So I have to kill it, like in Old Yeller.”

“Except it’s a disgusting raccoon instead of a beloved family dog.”

“Hey, Robert is pretty cute.”

“Oh my god, ew. You named it?”

Patrick reached across the table, grabbed the ring box, and pocketed it. “Excuse me?” David protested. 

“You’ll get the ring back once you earn it. You thought I was going to shoot you. And you were insensitive about Robert, who’s about to die.”

David frowned. “Is there an ETA on the rings?”

Patrick shook his head. 

“Well, I’m sorry about today. And I promise I will make it up to you.”

“I have no doubt you will.”

“So, I have I earned back my ring?”

“Not even close.”

****************************************

As Patrick drove him home, David texted Stevie. ‘Meet me in my motel room’

‘You’re not dead yet?’

‘Very funny. Just be there.’

“We’re here,” Patrick announced, pulling into the parking lot.

David leaned over, pressing a kiss to his boyfriend’s cheek. “I’m sorry.”

“Me too. Now I have to shoot a poor raccoon after my boyfriend thought I was going to murder him. Fun day.”

David sighed. “I’m going to regret this, but I will come with you, as moral support, to kill ‘Robert’.”

Patrick chuckled.

“No, I’m serious. If gloves are provided, I’ll... I’ll help you dispose of the body too.”

The smile faded from Patrick’s face. “Really?”

“Yes. I owe it to you after being so-“

“Harsh, awful, rude, inconsiderate,” he interrupted.

David shot him an unamused look. “Yes, that. Thank you for helping me find the right words.”

“You’re very welcome.”

“I just need to run inside to yell at some people really quick. I’ll be back in five minutes.”

“I’m starting a timer,” Patrick said, pulling out his phone.

David climbed out of the car and stormed to the motel room door. After exhaling sharply out his mouth, he opened the door. “Well, I almost made Patrick cry,” he informed Stevie and Alexis, slamming the door behind him. “He bought promise rings, but Alexis got into my head and now, I don’t have my ring.” He held out his hand, tapping his middle finger. “There should be a promise ring here.” A beat later, he noticed the absence of his bed. “And you already took my bed to make a queen size? I think there’s supposed to be a grieving period of at least two weeks before you start claiming my shit.”

“So he’s not killing you tonight?” Alexis asked, ignoring the comment about the bed.

“He was never going to kill me!” David fumed. “He’s killing a fucking raccoon.”

Alexis winced. 

“And you,” he continued, jabbing a finger toward Stevie. “Patrick told you what the gun was for, but you let me believe Alexis’s lie.”

“I-“

“Don’t say a word,” he hissed at her. “Patrick told me he had a surprise for me tonight, and I practically yelled at him, saying I didn’t want it. And now I’m going with him to kill a rabid raccoon he named Robert. Obviously, tonight was a success, all thanks to you two.”

“He named the raccoon?” Stevie remarked.

“I got shit for pointing that out. I’m lucky he didn’t break up with me.”

“You’re actually killing a raccoon with him?” Alexis asked. 

“Yes, and?”

“Nothing. It’s just cute you’d do something so awful for him.”

“Well, I love him, and I really want that ring.”

“Is he letting you stay over?”

“I doubt he wants to drive me home after murdering and disposing of the raccoon, so yes.”

“Killing a raccoon is a total mood killer,” Stevie commented. 

“Yeah, I wasn’t going to murder a raccoon, then have sex with my boyfriend like nothing happened. You might do that, but I actually have morals.”

“Wow, that really hurt,” Stevie deadpanned.

“You-“ he pointed at her- “are awful.” He turned his finger toward Alexis. “And you started his whole mess.”

“Um, excuse me for not wanting my brother to be brutally murdered.”

David twisted the doorknob, taking a step outside. “I don’t forgive either of you. And I will be sending several pictures of the dead raccoon for you to enjoy. If I have to see Robert dead, so do you.”

Before Stevie or Alexis could reply, David left, slamming the door behind him. Sliding into the passenger seat, he buckled his seatbelt. “Let’s go kill Robert.”


End file.
